Hello IT (2)

Alternatively, my heart.



"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

When I grow up....

I wanna be Laurie. I figure I have a way to go, but I've got forever :)





Her mind works in ways I can't even comprehend....

I'm worried that if I take my sanity to Falls, I'll lose it. But all things considered, would that really be so bad?

OH!

Forgot to mention my bed is fixed!! Haha it's made my life better tenfold!

Listening to the Virgins, they are so different to what I expected, so much more retro...reminds me of Modest Mouse for some reason but I don't think there are too many similarities.

Really??

Today was Christmas, in case you missed the memo. I had to work last night, and I was in a dang shitful mood beforehand, but work was actually excellent and totally reversed my scrooge-ism. So today was fun.

Read quite a few angry vegetarian rants on facebook about the traditional Christmas fare and really, people just need to relax and realise that PEOPLE ARE ENTITLED TO MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES, and if that choice is to be carnivorous, I think they should be able to eat in peace without someone making comments about animal cruelty and such. Because it's not fair.

I so have a crush on the hot bottle shop boy at work.

Yet again am left wondering where are all the normal people? Or my normality for that matter. It's Christmas in less than a week! So close to Falls too. 2009 has been such a bizarre year, I could not tell you if I liked it or not. Went to Jess's 21st tonight after work for a bit, it was fun. I love the people I work with :) then made a pretty pointless trip to Jeff's. Am so crushing on a guy at work. So this a pretty useless blog which has achieved little at an inappropriate hour (I get up for work in 7 hours)oh well.

日本語

Just writing some Japanese letters and fighting the overwhelming urge to punch kittens. Am just feeling the irrational rage today. Listening to Built To Spill. It helps. When some guy serenades me with the opening lines to "Saturday" I will probably jump him on the spot.

On a slightly shallower note (only slightly), am so over bad hair. And on a slightly more pretentious and pretending-to-know-stuff-about-cool-and-arty-stuff note, Ryan McGinleys photos really are a little bit spectacular are they not?

Emotional re-assessment

I always, ALWAYS thought I was the emotionally functional one. Maybe it was just in comparison, seeing as the people I loved were both emotionally stunted, very severely. Now I find myself in a position where I have no idea what I want, or what I want to do, or how I feel about anything, and I'm being very immature about the whole thing.

Question: I realise smoking is inherently bad. I know this. I do not justify smoking to myself, though I would like to honestly say that I am exclusively a social smoker. And it depends who I'm with, and usually alcohol has to be involved. Averaging out my consumption, I probably smoke less than 10 cigs a month. It varies, sometimes it's far more, or far less, or none. If my other half hates it, and refuses to kiss me after I've been smoking, is this irrational? Or am I the irrational one for thinking this is unfair? Considering the length of our "togetherness" (approx. 1 month), is it fair for someone to tell you, in lesser terms, that you have to stop something, that you enjoy, despite it's negative connotations. I went out last night, smoked, went back to his place, as we had had a rough day, with some other issues. He wouldn't kiss me, (I told him I had been smoking) and then in the morning, after I had had several bits of chewy and much water, I STILL tasted like cigarettes according to him, despite my own senses being able to find no trace of it. I said sorry, and he said no you're not. And this gave me the shits, as a) I had told him, and he would have been able to say he didn't want to see me and b) I WAS sorry, I went to a lot of effort to make sure I didn't reek of durries before I went to see him.

Am I being juvenile here? I don't even know if there is a right answer to this. I feel like such a failure at this. I am panicking so hard. About everything, not just this.

Anyway, on a better note, am fucking losing my shit, as THE BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE are playing in Melbourne on the 21st Feb. Matt Hollywood is going to be there, so it's like BJM from Dig!. SO fucking stoked. So I'm just listening to BJM, and more BJM. Newcombe is such a genius, albeit a totally fucked one (oooh there's a new concept, a fucked up musical genius!)



I'm not for sale. I'm fucking Love, do you understand what I'm saying? Like, the Beatles were for sale. I give it away.

I fucking scare myself in my capacity to always really want something and then get there and have all sorts of doubts. What if I'm never satisfied with anything?! I'm such a fruit loop sometimes.

I love how in Albury, 90% of the clothing items cater very directly to one demographic, one that starts with 't' and ends with 'rashbag'. I'm not overly tall so why is it that I struggle to locate a dress that is even close to being a respectable length? So much has changed in one year, I'm struggling to remember what I liked about this town, and going out.

Love like a bird flies away.


The Paul Kelly Tribute (see: http://www.theage.com.au/news/entertainment/music/stars-pay-tribute-to-maestro-paul-kelly/2009/11/13/1258043798829.html) was the most beautiful and moving musical performance I have ever seen. Katherine, Mark and I got there early so we were right up on the fence and were just so close to these amazing musicians who cared so much about this man and his moving song lyrics. It was just such a perfect evening, a perfect conclusion to the Melbourne trip which had turned out a little more chaotic than planned. Thankyou Stella baby for looking out for me.

Went to Harry's last night for some magic cake and good times with the Breakfast Club. Really good, but did not want to go to work this afternoon. For the first time in over a year, I actually kind of feel like I might have a bit of a jones for someone. Cool hey.

On a much sadder note, but also very nostalgic, my other Stella, this little bundle of joy and love and happiness:







was hit by a car yesterday and died. I miss her so much, and will probably continue to do so for a while. RIP Stel-bel, I love you very dearly.

hold on.

Did a little blog stalk.

Things that make me feel like tearing my hair out and dissolve into tears:

- Laurie's blog. I will never be this cool. No over several lifetimes. Just looking at her makes my soul smile. But simultaneously feel that uncomfortable internal ebb and flow of my life and it's inadequacies.

- People listing what they have eaten during the day. It stresses me out, period. It's probably something I could take on board, especially since I'm so annoyed with myself these days, but it just smacks of "Thinspiration" etc.
There's girl who I know, and she is not a friend of mine. Not in a bad way, we just aren't friends, through no fault of either of us. But she is very good friends with a friend of mine. She is currently very sick, which I think is terrible, and I am thinking of her, her family, and those who love her and are close to her. No-one likes to watch someone who is in possession of part of their heart waste away. However, so many people around her sucscribe and encourage this sort of lifestyle, a lifestyle dominated by control and a distorted body image. I am no expert. I admit to being horribly uninformed. I ought to keep my mouth shut, but I feel affected by it.

- Capitalism. Because their face/body is aesthetically pleasing and they are very proficient at making films (and films still, to this day, remain one of the most convenient and effective means of escapism), entitles them to earn far more in one year alone, than most people need in their entire lives to live comfortably. There is no "one-step" solution to any one world issue, but it is so blatantly irresponsibly way to allow people to live this way, when so many others have, not even little, they have nothing.

- My bed. Because it's still just a mattress on the ground. And I haven't slept well in 2 and half months.

- Love. Because I'm in love with so many people, and so many of them do not deserve my unrequited love, but that's just how it happens.

- My sister. I live in fear she has stopped loving me. It's absolutely, 100% breaking my heart.

house party

So fun. I was feeling really shitty after tennis and felt like doing sweet fuck all, but I'm glad I didn't, even though it meant more clothes crisis' and pointless obsession over how I look? In a non-anorexic, very half-hearted way haha. Still. Went and picked up Pelly and saw Mick and Cheryl who I miss like nobody's business. Went to Bartram's, met several charming Wodonga girls who squealed a lot and one nice one was wearing a singlet so her ass had under-cleavage. Took Rach to Paddy's, went to work to get some cider and went back to the part-ay.

It was so fun in the end and I didn't even drink much so I wasn't hung the next day, just tired because I didn't sleep until 4.30 on account of physically being unable to stop laughing. We spoon-trained to our hearts content and I just had such a lovely evening which such lovely people. I had to work at 12, but I ily work these days so even that was fun. These Irish guys talked to us for like 2 hours and one of them wanted to get in Tanya's pants so we got like $30 dollars in tips. I've saved like almost $200 just from not spending my tips :).

Got stuck here; I'm halfway through cleaning my room which, it's fair to say, has never been this fucking filthy.

Pop pop pop!



That's who I'm bettingfor - Alcopop. I have never placed a bet on the TAB at work in my life. Today shall be a first. So, go Alcopop!



Spending my (hard)earned dollarzzzzzz on festival tix. I'm going to Good Vibes http://www.gvf.com.au/ and the Laneway Festival, which technically isn't in a Laneway anymore. http://www.lanewayfestival.com.au/ But anyhoo, that one's on the 30th of Jan, the day before the Australian Open finishes. So they will pretty much love me when I'm like soz, gtg to festival, can't wrk ladies finalzzzz. haha! Suck it massive corporation. Judging from the hygiene thing I had to go to, there's a good chance I will send them bankrupt anyway by sneezing in someone's food and giving them some virus. SICK. So then also, I have Falls and I'm going to Shoreham. Shoreham is fun, it looks like this:

Pretty little thing, ain't it.

Another extremely successful Melbourne trip.

Little Red and The Vasco Era were orgasm-inducing. So freaking good. I went to Myrtleford today, and Pete and I stood in the river. I'm really longing for a good book and this warm weather...well, it speaks for itself. It is nothing short of delightful. Mum is baking pumpkin pie so I'll get to pretend that I'm American and that it's Thanksgiving, like in the movies.

Wow.

Someone commented on my blog, and they are friends with Marieke Hardy.
This is dang exciting. I'm going to Melbourne again tomorrow. Not much else is happening lately except I'm working a lot, so I'm swearing a lot and starting to sound like a bit of a tosser. Also, I'm talking to someone I never really envisioned myself talking to and although currently all logic and common sense is eluding me, it feels really right for some reason.

Also, I also told someone that I like sex as a separate entity. I'd never told anyone that before. I don't know what that says about the people in my life who I usually tell stuff to haha. Well, at any rate I have to go have a shower, so I don't look mingin' when I rock up at work.

Today I saw a pregnant woman smoking, and I think this well and truly entitled her to be cunt-punted. And I never say cunt. Except now, when I said it twice.

Tonight work was bad, then good. The generator blew so the beer was pouring SO slowly. It was balls. But then it was quiet and I got to go home early. I wish this internet wasn't so fucking retarded, I would put up more pictures.

Through my huge lesbian crush on Marieke Hardy and reading through 142 pages of her blog, from 2007, systematically, so I don't miss one SINGLE word of her repartee, I have found so many cool blogs, written by people who are funny and interesting, and whilst making me ecstatically happy that these people exist, it does put one's own life in a harsh perspective and make me feel rather undeducated and intellectually disabled.

I had a big breakdown to my Mum in the backseat of the car, in Olive St, outside of Baker Motors, so it was highly innappropriate but kind of nice too, since I just told her all the stuff I've been thinking about for the last month and a half. I think we got somewhere. Which is something, since I am the most stubborn, irritating, grudge-holding and irrational person ever sometimes and she just manages to make me feel so fucking pissed off for no reason. Which of course, doesn't help my sneaking suspicion that I'm a bad person.

Does everyone who starts a blog begin to think, at some point, they were being very presumptuous when they entered the blogosphere? As in, entertaining the idea that people enjoyed reading their thoughts on life? Or whatever it is you do. I'm starting to feel this way. And time spent here is time away from Marieke. No good on any account. But you know, I'll keep going? Maybe it's a perserverence thing....but they said that about the Iraq War, and that seems to be working out super duper-ly well for all involved.

the only time i feel alright, is by your side.

Well that's a dirty big lie.
I don't feel like that towards anyone at the moment. I feel like my head is like that massive intersection in France, where there are like 10 million lanes of traffic and there are accidents every 10 minutes. Whatever. I have all these thoughts again and again and again and eventually they hit each other and explode. But they are surprisingly resilient.
I'm quite tired of feeling like I can't express how I feel.
I'm quite tired of being boring, and indecisive and infuriating, and unremarkable.
I'm quite tired full stop. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm taking in my Holga to see if I made it work right. And taking Clare to get her ears pierced. Oh I got my nose pierced?

we would sing, and dance about, because we know we can't be found

Wow, I saw these movies in the last 24 hours: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, The Boat That Rocked and (500) Days of Summer. They were all actually amazing. The music was just, so good.
I set myself up with an iTunes account with my new fancy pants debit card and now the real risk is that I will never have any money because all of a sudden I can buy all these albums that I have wanted forever in like 5 minutes. I'm scaring myself.
Anyway I stayed at Grace's last night and it was fun. Then had to run around for Mum this morning sorting out our fucking shitbox of a car. I'm angry at her again. It's too easy. There's something wrong with me, she does one little thing, and it's like an excuse to just hate her for all her shortcomings. Which are surely less than mine. I hate myself but can't bring myself to fix it. She is just so frustrating, and I'm so tired of this happening every week.

RIP Patrick Swayze

I think i might be quietly losing my mind.

la la la.

I've started going through my myspace comments, oldest to newest and deleting them. The only thing that was holding me back from getting rid of my myspace was all the memories. It's so much fun reading all the lame things we talked about. So good.

Watched "The Party" again yesterday. I love it so much. I could live in that movie, I swear it.

Not the greatest frame of mind....

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."



I really love this movie, as terrible as it is :)

Last night, she said, oh baby I feel so down....

Last night was probably my best night out since I got home, it was so great. Even better, I sorted things out with someone who I wasn't really talking to, and it was someone I really, really missed so it was pretty flipping sweet, despite being unexpected. Everytime I try to upload the photos to facebook, my firefox closes. It's GAY. I'm so tired. I didn't go to sleep until 7am. And then woke up at 9am. Which was super smart and good life choice #904385098564 for me. But it doesn't really matter. I ate so much rubbish today. It means I have to make a minorly concerted effort to exercise tomorrow. I have to go do some resume dropping too. My internet is just shitttttttttt. I am SO frustrated. But seriously, last night was the best.

Friday evening nostalgia.

Fridays used to be the best. School was always fun, because you pretty much had like, spelling, art, then sport for half the day. When the bell went at 3.30, your happiness spiralled out of control because that's the moment when the weekend is at it's longest point.You always got to eat take away for dinner. It was fucking sick. Now Friday is usually just another day. Today was pretty good though, as far as my run of the mill Fridays go. I woke up with Loz and then went to have breakfast with Stu. I hadn't seen him since I got back so it was really nice. We got to have eggs and cigs :) Then I drove home. It was kind of boring. It was lucky I had England's Newest Hitmakers to keep me company. Then I got to have Char Kway Teou with Em. Then Kee came and visited. And then Clare and I watched one and half movies. I fixed my resume. I made a cup of tea. I started crying when I couldn't find Sydney Rd, and had to get on Citylink instead. Which was completely unwarranted. I got seen by someone who I really rather didn't.

I spent 4 days in Ballarat visiting my best friend. Which was really good, and saved me sitting around home since I didn't have to work this week. I saw an old best friend perform in front of a sold out audience. She took my breath away, I'm so proud of her. It does put one's life achievements into a slightly harsh perspective but I was so wrapped up in a complete bubble of love I didn't let that get in the way.

Hello IT.

I think I'm allergic to cats. And I've never been allergic to anything in my life. Except for bananas. But that's just some weird thing because I can eat banana bread but as soon as I have a banana smoothie my stomach wants to suicide. I went to Pants Downs' house last night, but first I went out for dinner for Tom's farewell and then to Katherine and Liz's house cooling party. They had a gum ball machine so now I have sore teeth from eating too many gum balls. Our internet is shit so I can't go on facebook.

I'm starting work again on Monday, which I am both looking forward to (because I miss work and I'm poor) and not (because I'm lazy). I really feel like i NEED the third season of the IT Crowd. That would actually thrill me.

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Having spent most of my 4 months in Japan going through the most intense brain fuck, EVER, I've just been talking to some friends who have also come home, and it's just nice to know that it wasn't just me. I spent so much time thinking I wasn't trying hard enough, or making enough effort, and that was surely the reason that I wasn't having the time of my life. For the life of me, I never thought I would ever stop wanting to go home. It definitely got easier, but I was so ready to get on that plane to come home. It was a tough 4 months, but I'm so glad I did it. Not only is my Japanese better, I met some amazing people (the name of this blog is actually for Lou Denholm) and I think it made my appreciate home more. Because I am loving being home. So much. There aren't words for it.

When I grow up:
- I want to write a PhD.
- I want to live with Clare and we'll have our own darkroom.
- I'll leanr how to cook without panicking and needing my mum's help.


I have to go have a shower now. It seems procrastination wasn't just something I used to cope during my HSC; I have the ability to incorporate it into all aspects of my life.

I am lost for words.

I would just like to take a moment now to let it be know my absolute contempt for the useless fucking excuse for a book that is "Skinny Bitch". I don't even know where to start on how this book is full of complete crap about what, as human beings, we should be eating and how we should be treating our bodies.

The authors, Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, certainly have an altruistic enough basic motive (well, this is what I convinced myself in a feeble attempt to extract a sense caring from the text): by eating better, you can lose weight and feel better about yourself. Well, apart from the fact that I already knew this, the book just turns itself into a big hypocritical pile of bullshit, about how dairy products are "disease-producing and harmful, and cause suffering. They are the perfect thing to eat if you want a sick an diseased body". Well excuse me, I wanted a sick and diseased body, and so I ate cheese and milk, for say, oh yeah, 19 years, and motherfuckers! I'm still healthy! I want a refund! This dairy product did not make me sick as promised! You will also be interested to know that the source for much of this anti-milk/dairy products babble is "milksucks.com". I know, that's what I thought-a completely unbiased source I imagine.

There is of course, plenty of the book that makes sense. Eating fruit, regular exercise, the basics. Their basic intentions are definitely into encouraging you to have a healthier lifestyle, but they let themselves down completely with a stupid, whitetrash attitude and conveniently ignore the fact, that yes, these things can be bad for us, but everything is bad for you if you had too much of it.

But the most infuriating part of the book were the last couple of chapters. These women recommend giving blood as "you can save a life and lose weight at the same time", and insinuate that you can give yourself cancer through negative thinking. The examples used referenced women who had been in poor marital relations and as a result got cancer. The one who perservered in the relationship, died ("as a result"), yet the one who left, recovered. They say it is "entirely possible to bring the disease on yourself". And of course it is, smoking, alcoholism, and many other detrimental activities (ironically, a poor diet) will raise your chance of getting cancer, and at one point, make it inevitable. And of course, genetics come into play too. But as someone who knows people who have cancer, and had someone die from it in my family, I would feel gutted if someone suggested a loved one "brought it upon themselves" in a manner suggested by this book.

They also make a feeble attempt at realigning their motives ("don't associate your self-worth with your appearance") and mention that they don't care about being skinny. This is ridiculous as both women worked in the modelling industry and for whatever reasons, this was part of their careers. The book obviously is directly aimed at the market share of people who wish to lose weight and become skinny! Anyone who was looking for ways to generally improve their health, with weight-loss being a mere factor, would certainly (well, I would hope not) turn to this book for advice. I had to laugh when they say "Now you're a skinny bitch, don't turn into a skinny bitch. We are not bitches and have no desire to promote bitchiness." Because, despite this declaration, the back cover of the back claims: "They [the authors] may be bitches, but they're skinny bitches. And you'll be one too - after you get with the program and start eating right."

They need to try and sort out what they are trying to say - if they had actually gone ahead and been really tough about it, without the weak attempt to soften their brash attitude at the end, it may have been a bit more impressive. But really, in the end, this book didn't make me want to go out and follow their advice, it made me want to eat all the dairy and meat products I could get my hands on, purely to spite them. These women are obviously smart and shrewd businesswomen, you can't take that away from them, and have tried to do something different. But it's definitely not for me.

Positively 4th Street.

I had a really good weekend, despite acquiring a hangover that has superhumanly lasted two days. It's so fun :). I got to hang out with one of my closest friends who I haven't really got to spend time with lately, and then see my best friend on the Sunday. We all went to the football and North Melbourne actually beat St. Kilda. It was so hecticly cool. I've never felt so emotionally involved in a game before. I didn't spend too much money on Saturday night and we just went back to our friend's place and got a little bit cooked and played this Boards of Canada song that I love over and over and over again. It was all good, but you know how you have those weekends where you look back and you think, "That was really good, I can't really say anything bad about those two days." But for some reason, it just didn't feel amazing.

I found out this song I like, called "Lover I Don't Have To Love", is actually by Bright Eyes, a band I only recently got into. I had a version by Bettie Serveert that played on "The OC". Anyway it's just such a great song, at risk of sounding terribly emo, this line is great:

"You write such pretty words, but life's no storybook. Love's an excuse to get hurt. And to hurt. Do you like to hurt? I do, I do, I do....then hurt me."

So anyway, the point is that I always thought that unrequited love was a really romantic thing, like the fancy term for reciprocal love that lasts forever. It never really crossed my mind that it actually applies more to people who love someone who never loves them back. So it's actually really, really depressing! And pathetic. I'm hesitant to use the term in relation to how I feel, since I never really learnt how to pin point my feelings, but you know, it's probably something along those lines :).

But I am going to Myrtleford this weekend, and that's always pretty freaking awesome :)

Fuzzy

This is how my brain feels. Cask wine tends to have this unfortunate side effect. You trade off a non-fuzzy brain for temptingly low prices. I went out last night and had fun even though Roi was lousy. Which is weird for me because I usually like Roi. I hope it's sunny tomorrow, I want to lie outside on a picnic rug in the sun and maybe take webcam photos. Pete's coming to visit :) I'm about to go play Amazon Trail 2. It's going to blow my mind, I haven't played it for ageeeeesssss. I've also realised that lots of stuff I used to feel really strongly about, they eventually just fall away and I don't feel that way anymore, mainly about bad things. So I wonder if this is how I'm going to live my life and I don't even know if this a bad or good thing. I also bought a blazer from the op shop today which I really like. And this is rare because I usually am terrible at op shopping. So I feel a little bit trendy. Which is nice for a change. I'm in terrible pain because for some reason my quads have completely seized up, it's either from the pathetic excuse for a run I did on Tuesday or wearing high heels for the first time in ages. Haha this isn't particuarly funny or cool or anything. But satisfying in some weird way.

blog: fail.

I can't be 100% sure who read my blog while I was away but no loss since I didn't post anything. Haha anyway I have been home now for over a week and it's good but the honeymoon period is wearing off and some things feel like they might start going back to how they were before I left, and that that's on top of all the major stuff that happened while I was away. So I am going to try really hard to not let that happen. I'm sitting here eating raspberry bullets feverishly and am coming down from my blind raging about my stupid parking fine. It's not even the money, it's just that it made mum angry with me and I hate her being angry with me. Plus I just feel really dumb. But I went and saw Jane today so that was fun :) she's my Japanese teacher, well she was, but I still talk to her because she is just so great. I'm looking forward to going to Melbourne this weekend, it should be really fun. I'll make a list of things I've accomplished since I've come home:
- I worked out how to type in Japanese on my computer 良かったね！
- I've caught up with most of the people I really missed.
- I saw Greggles before she left for Argentina (today - which totally sucks).
- Cleaned my room.
- Went into the Northside and got my job back.

I'm going to go read all the letters Laurie wrote for me while I was away.

One week before it all goes down.

Wow, a blog. Not even sure how this is going to go really. I was never awesome with diaries and it's the same sort of concept except I guess people might actually care if i stop writing. Or maybe they won't haha. But someone suggested this and it seemed like a good idea. I have to try and avoid facebook and myspace because despite myself, I will stress. So a blog it is. Tomorrow I have to start actually sorting stuff out and packing and I want to die. Feel free to come and do it for me. Haha I'm such a loser.