I fucking scare myself in my capacity to always really want something and then get there and have all sorts of doubts. What if I'm never satisfied with anything?! I'm such a fruit loop sometimes.

I love how in Albury, 90% of the clothing items cater very directly to one demographic, one that starts with 't' and ends with 'rashbag'. I'm not overly tall so why is it that I struggle to locate a dress that is even close to being a respectable length? So much has changed in one year, I'm struggling to remember what I liked about this town, and going out.

Love like a bird flies away.


The Paul Kelly Tribute (see: http://www.theage.com.au/news/entertainment/music/stars-pay-tribute-to-maestro-paul-kelly/2009/11/13/1258043798829.html) was the most beautiful and moving musical performance I have ever seen. Katherine, Mark and I got there early so we were right up on the fence and were just so close to these amazing musicians who cared so much about this man and his moving song lyrics. It was just such a perfect evening, a perfect conclusion to the Melbourne trip which had turned out a little more chaotic than planned. Thankyou Stella baby for looking out for me.

Went to Harry's last night for some magic cake and good times with the Breakfast Club. Really good, but did not want to go to work this afternoon. For the first time in over a year, I actually kind of feel like I might have a bit of a jones for someone. Cool hey.

On a much sadder note, but also very nostalgic, my other Stella, this little bundle of joy and love and happiness:







was hit by a car yesterday and died. I miss her so much, and will probably continue to do so for a while. RIP Stel-bel, I love you very dearly.

hold on.

Did a little blog stalk.

Things that make me feel like tearing my hair out and dissolve into tears:

- Laurie's blog. I will never be this cool. No over several lifetimes. Just looking at her makes my soul smile. But simultaneously feel that uncomfortable internal ebb and flow of my life and it's inadequacies.

- People listing what they have eaten during the day. It stresses me out, period. It's probably something I could take on board, especially since I'm so annoyed with myself these days, but it just smacks of "Thinspiration" etc.
There's girl who I know, and she is not a friend of mine. Not in a bad way, we just aren't friends, through no fault of either of us. But she is very good friends with a friend of mine. She is currently very sick, which I think is terrible, and I am thinking of her, her family, and those who love her and are close to her. No-one likes to watch someone who is in possession of part of their heart waste away. However, so many people around her sucscribe and encourage this sort of lifestyle, a lifestyle dominated by control and a distorted body image. I am no expert. I admit to being horribly uninformed. I ought to keep my mouth shut, but I feel affected by it.

- Capitalism. Because their face/body is aesthetically pleasing and they are very proficient at making films (and films still, to this day, remain one of the most convenient and effective means of escapism), entitles them to earn far more in one year alone, than most people need in their entire lives to live comfortably. There is no "one-step" solution to any one world issue, but it is so blatantly irresponsibly way to allow people to live this way, when so many others have, not even little, they have nothing.

- My bed. Because it's still just a mattress on the ground. And I haven't slept well in 2 and half months.

- Love. Because I'm in love with so many people, and so many of them do not deserve my unrequited love, but that's just how it happens.

- My sister. I live in fear she has stopped loving me. It's absolutely, 100% breaking my heart.

house party

So fun. I was feeling really shitty after tennis and felt like doing sweet fuck all, but I'm glad I didn't, even though it meant more clothes crisis' and pointless obsession over how I look? In a non-anorexic, very half-hearted way haha. Still. Went and picked up Pelly and saw Mick and Cheryl who I miss like nobody's business. Went to Bartram's, met several charming Wodonga girls who squealed a lot and one nice one was wearing a singlet so her ass had under-cleavage. Took Rach to Paddy's, went to work to get some cider and went back to the part-ay.

It was so fun in the end and I didn't even drink much so I wasn't hung the next day, just tired because I didn't sleep until 4.30 on account of physically being unable to stop laughing. We spoon-trained to our hearts content and I just had such a lovely evening which such lovely people. I had to work at 12, but I ily work these days so even that was fun. These Irish guys talked to us for like 2 hours and one of them wanted to get in Tanya's pants so we got like $30 dollars in tips. I've saved like almost $200 just from not spending my tips :).

Got stuck here; I'm halfway through cleaning my room which, it's fair to say, has never been this fucking filthy.

Pop pop pop!



That's who I'm bettingfor - Alcopop. I have never placed a bet on the TAB at work in my life. Today shall be a first. So, go Alcopop!



Spending my (hard)earned dollarzzzzzz on festival tix. I'm going to Good Vibes http://www.gvf.com.au/ and the Laneway Festival, which technically isn't in a Laneway anymore. http://www.lanewayfestival.com.au/ But anyhoo, that one's on the 30th of Jan, the day before the Australian Open finishes. So they will pretty much love me when I'm like soz, gtg to festival, can't wrk ladies finalzzzz. haha! Suck it massive corporation. Judging from the hygiene thing I had to go to, there's a good chance I will send them bankrupt anyway by sneezing in someone's food and giving them some virus. SICK. So then also, I have Falls and I'm going to Shoreham. Shoreham is fun, it looks like this:

Pretty little thing, ain't it.

Another extremely successful Melbourne trip.

Little Red and The Vasco Era were orgasm-inducing. So freaking good. I went to Myrtleford today, and Pete and I stood in the river. I'm really longing for a good book and this warm weather...well, it speaks for itself. It is nothing short of delightful. Mum is baking pumpkin pie so I'll get to pretend that I'm American and that it's Thanksgiving, like in the movies.

Wow.

Someone commented on my blog, and they are friends with Marieke Hardy.
This is dang exciting. I'm going to Melbourne again tomorrow. Not much else is happening lately except I'm working a lot, so I'm swearing a lot and starting to sound like a bit of a tosser. Also, I'm talking to someone I never really envisioned myself talking to and although currently all logic and common sense is eluding me, it feels really right for some reason.

Also, I also told someone that I like sex as a separate entity. I'd never told anyone that before. I don't know what that says about the people in my life who I usually tell stuff to haha. Well, at any rate I have to go have a shower, so I don't look mingin' when I rock up at work.

Today I saw a pregnant woman smoking, and I think this well and truly entitled her to be cunt-punted. And I never say cunt. Except now, when I said it twice.

Tonight work was bad, then good. The generator blew so the beer was pouring SO slowly. It was balls. But then it was quiet and I got to go home early. I wish this internet wasn't so fucking retarded, I would put up more pictures.

Through my huge lesbian crush on Marieke Hardy and reading through 142 pages of her blog, from 2007, systematically, so I don't miss one SINGLE word of her repartee, I have found so many cool blogs, written by people who are funny and interesting, and whilst making me ecstatically happy that these people exist, it does put one's own life in a harsh perspective and make me feel rather undeducated and intellectually disabled.

I had a big breakdown to my Mum in the backseat of the car, in Olive St, outside of Baker Motors, so it was highly innappropriate but kind of nice too, since I just told her all the stuff I've been thinking about for the last month and a half. I think we got somewhere. Which is something, since I am the most stubborn, irritating, grudge-holding and irrational person ever sometimes and she just manages to make me feel so fucking pissed off for no reason. Which of course, doesn't help my sneaking suspicion that I'm a bad person.

Does everyone who starts a blog begin to think, at some point, they were being very presumptuous when they entered the blogosphere? As in, entertaining the idea that people enjoyed reading their thoughts on life? Or whatever it is you do. I'm starting to feel this way. And time spent here is time away from Marieke. No good on any account. But you know, I'll keep going? Maybe it's a perserverence thing....but they said that about the Iraq War, and that seems to be working out super duper-ly well for all involved.

the only time i feel alright, is by your side.

Well that's a dirty big lie.
I don't feel like that towards anyone at the moment. I feel like my head is like that massive intersection in France, where there are like 10 million lanes of traffic and there are accidents every 10 minutes. Whatever. I have all these thoughts again and again and again and eventually they hit each other and explode. But they are surprisingly resilient.
I'm quite tired of feeling like I can't express how I feel.
I'm quite tired of being boring, and indecisive and infuriating, and unremarkable.
I'm quite tired full stop. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm taking in my Holga to see if I made it work right. And taking Clare to get her ears pierced. Oh I got my nose pierced?